Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
