Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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