fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
