And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
