I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
