hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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