I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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