someone threw a dead crab at me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize