mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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