i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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