Who wears a wallet chain?!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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