When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
