i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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