Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
