My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize