my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
