The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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