Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
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