She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
