So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Non-Jews are for practice
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
