How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
