i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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