Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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