woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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