This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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