sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He better not be in your backpack
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
