I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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