yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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