I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
