There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
