called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
