You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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