Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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