Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
