I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
