I have demons in me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
