Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
