Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
