Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
