you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
