DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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