Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
