Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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