everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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