Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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