It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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