I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
