I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
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Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
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I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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