I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
