I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
