Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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