Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
