I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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