I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
