We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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