So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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